Me and Mollie....Mollie and Me

I remember walking up to Copeland's back in 1999 for my first day of work. It was the first time I had gotten a job on my own (without my cousin Paige's help). It was scary. Actually, I was terrified. My comfort zone was somewhere else far, far away. On top of that, I had a uniform. A uniform I had no idea how to work. It consisted of a tuxedo shirt, a long black skirt, a bow tie, and a cummerbund. Yes, I know. As I'm walking up to the door, I'm obviously struggling with the bow tie and cummerbund. It was all wrong. A girl who looked about my age, came out the front door and pulled me to the side of the building, and worked her magic on me. No fuss, no embarrassing moment, just her recollecting her first day, and what a nightmare that uniform was to work for the first time. By the time she was finished, I looked normal...which meant that I looked just as silly as she did.

This was the first time I met, Mollie Nobile. Little did either of us know what was about to begin.

It didn't take long for us to become close friends. We just fit. We had a lot of similarities, and many differences. One of the things I loved about her, is that it didn't matter our differences. Our love for one another was unconditional. She became my family.

When I first met her, she was dating a guy that she had been dating for awhile. I remember one of the first times I actually hung out with them, she rode with me....I always liked to drive, so she let me. And there was a bit of an altercation between her and her boyfriend....feelings were hurt, mean things were done. I on the other hand snapped. As she sitting by the tire of my car, crying.....I found myself beating her boyfriends chest telling him to pick on me if he needed to pick on someone. Wow....the bond was formed.

She wasn't scared of anyone...she was scared of the things...but not people.

And of course, Mollie and Beth in 1999 versus Mollie and Beth in 2010....very different. I can't even begin to put everything down in order....in story form.... so this may not flow.... but it's how I think of Mollie.

I can't remember which year, but it was in the early 2000's....Mollie became part of our family vacation tradition. There, she stole the hearts of all my relatives. Her smile radiating in the sun...just so happy to be...so happy to be a part of it.

Many of us will never forget a particular Halloween spent with Mollie. We went to the 13th Gate. Bless her heart, she was terrified. She ended up running through the entire thing, nearly knocking down a man on crutches. Tears running down her cheeks....as she got to the end she was grabbing people and saying... ARE YOU REAL??? ARE YOU REAL????

I love that woman.

I remember when I lived with my dad....there was a bit of a family altercation (which I won't dredge up :)), but can I tell you, it didn't take her but 10 minutes to be at my house, and cradle me in her arms as I cried. She gave me comfort. She would tell me her own stories so she could relate to how I was feeling. She would tell me it was okay how I was feeling....and not okay what was happening. She wouldn't judge. If I loved them, if they were important to me...she would keep her ill feelings in the back....

Mollie could be told anything....we were each others secret keepers. She considered me "hers". That still makes me smile.

I remember when I called to tell her I was engaged. She gasped, let out a shriek, and hung up on me. She was upset. She didn't like the idea of me being taken away from her.

On my bachelorette party, I remember there were 4 special girls with me...and she was one of them. One thing we all did well, was to get in silly arguments, and run off crying. At one point, I remember running down the strip, in her shoes, crying, with each of the girls stringing behind after me.... The night ended with Mollie locking me and Paige out of our room. I can't say that I didn't deserve it....but I can't say I remember either.

She also helped me through the stages of my divorce. She told me it was okay to leave if I wasn't happy...that I didn't have to stay for everyone else. That I would never have to go through it alone.

I had a dance recital back in 2007.... she was the only one I invited.... it was last minute that I decided to invite someone...and she was there.... cheering me on, filming me, giggling with me....

November 2008, my dog, Daisy, had gotten out the house....and I was distraught because she had been gone for quite some time before I had even realized. I was a bad mother. I was hyperventilating. Lindsey was worried about me....so about midnight, on a work night, in comes Mollie. Lindsey had called her to tell her how upset I was.... she came to comfort me. She was so good at that.

I can't even count how many times we had movie night...wine night....time to breathe and cry night. She would come over...in the pj's....we would lay out on the couch....on came the tv....or out came the books...or there we would go pecking away at our laptops. We wouldn't even have to say anything. The purpose of these get togethers were so that we could receive comfort from the other. I'm glad that I was able to give her the comfort that she gave to me.

And what a riot...instant entertainment. A couple years ago, maybe less...we went to Tigerland...if you know Mollie, you know that was her place. Every once in awhile she was able to twist my arm and make me go. Well, she always liked to come over to my house and then raid my closet....which actually made me feel good because this girl had the best clothes....me? not so much....at all.... On this particular night, she had borrowed a pair of my jeans. Well, she was going to see someone at JL's.....but there was another girl there to see the same person. As the bar was shutting down, Mollie grabbed me and seemed irritated and off we went to the car. Now as all of JL's is leaving..... Mollie slips on a piece of gravel....on flat land....and manages to bite the dust like I've never seen before in my life. How does one tumble on flat land? And spill all of the contents of said purse? And rip a HUGE hole in my jeans? When is she going to stop rolling??? ........................... I can't believe what had just happened.... I'm in shock, trying not to laugh, trying to pick up her belongings....she's embarrassed but laughing with me.... the guy she went to see.... also passing and laughing..... We got in the car....and laughed the whole way home.

Ever since the hole...those have been my favorite pair of jeans.

I know I'm forgetting things...it's obvious I am....but I will keep writing more and more so that our story makes a little more sense. I just want you to understand our background....our history....our bond.

No one said it was going to be easy - It just makes it easier by those that surround you

Life is full of surprises. Some are good. Some make your heart hurt. And some go unseen. We aren't always dealt the hand that wins on the first round. Honestly, I can't imagine living a life where winning came so easily. At that point, what have I learned? It's not about being handed something that you think you deserve to have. The first mistake here is thinking you deserve anything at all except for love, understanding, and respect. My soul mourns for those who haven't grasped this concept yet. You know the ones.... they walk through life thinking they are victims and making others think the same. There is a bitterness within that chills me to the bone.

Things are going to happen to you that break your heart. Things that will make you want to throw yourself on the floor and weep in a way that you feel there will be no recovering. Things that make you feel like you just woke up in a world where you are all alone, unable to form an emotion regardless of how much hurt you feel. And it's okay to feel these hurts, it's normal. We are all human. We hurt the same way. We just need to learn how to love the same way. I understand that our ideas of what love is and what it means to be loved, are going to differ in some ways.

Let me say this....

After you have had your time to feel sorry for yourself (and it's okay because we all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes), it's necessary to look around you and see who else, if anyone, is affected by what you are hurting so bad for - chances are, they need your love because they are hurting too.

Granted...over the years, I've learned that whether we like it or not, the level of expectations we have for people - are going to different. If you understand that the outcome to situations are probably going to be the same as previous situations - the pain you endure will become less...and less...and less. By no means does this make it okay. It's far from okay either. It's a list that I would think no one wants to be on. Selfishness is the only thing that puts you on this list - and because of that, many of the people on the list, have no idea that they are even on it.

If other people have to hurt in order for you to feel good... was it worth it? When you look back on your life and wonder to yourself where the time went... what does it consist of? Those that love - have the most love surrounding them. Think about that. I can't imagine going through life with the mindset that I come first. Period.

At the end of my life, I want to be on my porch, my gray hair curling around my brow, a peacefulness in my eyes, sitting next to the love of my life in my rocking chair....knowing that my life had a purpose. Not a purpose for "me" great things. I want to know that sacrifices made in my life were for a greater good. That my failures led to someone else's success. For me - that is a successful life. The willingness to set your selfishness aside and help someone else through.

So if you ever think that I am weak... or that you don't understand my thoughts, actions, or feelings. Remember that the reason I may be doing it... is for you.

Life is a beautiful thing. The very idea of it and all it's made up of....makes me happy. Take the time to think about what you contribute that very thing. Every single day - something you do or don't do - affects someone else.

On an ending note... I have to say that I've never been surrounded with so many good people in my life as I am now. Thank you each and everyone of you that makes me feel warm and fuzzy every time I so much as think about you. Ya'll have helped me so much become the person I am today. Helped me get through a lot of pain. Helped me see myself in the image you see me in. Without you, I'm not sure what sort of crazy I would be. I can only hope that I do the same for you.

Love and happiness....

Rough draft: "Sifting through an unsure life" - Part 2

***continued from Part 1 ***

My dad's family lives in Illinois - that's where he is from. I often regret not having the bond with his family as I do with my mom's side. Dad was such a good looking guy! A good looking guy with a joy for life that beamed from his smile and brilliance that I haven't seen often in my life. My parents were right around 20 when they met and ultimately fell in love. It was right about a year or so after they married that I was born. The story I have been told is that I came home to a blue blanket that said "Jesse". Greeting cards had even been signed "Love Cat, Trent & Jesse". They say that technology wasn't the greatest back then and because my heartbeat was unbelievably strong - I was assumed to be a little boy. So instead of welcoming Jesse into this world on October 18, 1979 - they said hello to an Elizabeth.

I was born with all my fingers and toes in tact, and ears that stuck out like baby Dumbo. In fact, I was called Dumbo for awhile. I don't remember it ever hurting my feelings. Atleast I don't remember ever being referred to by that name in a mean way.

We had a catahoula named Jackie Blue. May have been one of the best dogs ever. Her and I got along just fine. She would place her front paws on my back while I was on my tricycle and would just push me around. Jackie had the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. She wasn't much for a mother, however. I remember she had a litter of pups - about 10 or 12 - and decided that she was over it. Buried all of them under my Maw Maw's house. I had to crawl under the house like they do in boot camp...to rescue them. Not long after, she got heartworms and was put to sleep. I think that is the first time I felt what it was like to mourn.

My childhood is everything I could have ever hoped it would be - almost perfect. I was blessed with my best friend - pretty much at birth. How is that possible, you ask? She is my cousin - 11 months apart. She's my wonderful, beautiful, don't-know-where-I'd-be-without-you - Paige. It's hard to explain our bond, especially without sounding creepy. Ha! I truly believe we were meant for each other. I love her like I can't imagine loving anyone else. Our relationship was true and beautiful from the get go. We could entertain ourselves in a ditch with a stick or find peace in silence buried in the grass of an open pasture...watching the clouds go by. Our lives were planned daily and the only stipulation was that we were in it together.

***to be continued***

Rough draft: "Sifting Through An Unsure Life" - Part 1

****This is a little bit of what I have come up with for my book...it's a work in progress - keep that in mind :)*****

What a delight when they came out of the room with an Elizabeth in tot.

My parents didn't have much in their pockets when they decided to get married and create me - but they had something more important than anything money could buy. A loving family that would sacrifice everything they had to make sure they had all they needed. Love.

My mom's dad, Elmo - Paw Paw B, had three houses on the dead end of Shelley Street in North Baton Rouge that he built...with his own two hands. He and Maw Maw B lived in one, we lived in one, and honestly - I was a baby - I don't know who lived in the third one. Family I'm sure. Mom and her dad had a bond that a lot of us have never even came close to with our fathers. They were pure perfection in each others eyes. My mother has told me many times about the days that changed her life...forever. Each time she tells it - she cries just the same.

I believe it was around her birthday - I was only 7 weeks old... She had brought me next door with her to visit with her parents. Paw Paw B kept wanting to hold me. He was sick with a cold and I was so young. The family had been very conscious about germs because my baby cousin, Holly, was extremely sick and very susceptible to becoming sick. She had a rare disease that ultimately took her life. Most people would have to wear a mask when around her. On this particular day, Paw Paw B had his mask in tote and even offered to wear it so that he could hold me in his arms. Maw Maw B wasn't having it. Ha! "Be patient now, there's always tomorrow" is what she would keep telling him. He complied...it wasn't a really big deal. He knew that there was always tomorrow.

The next day, Mom remembers watching her dad pull out the driveway to go to work. It wasn't very long after that she received a call from Maw Maw...clearly upset. Thoughts began to race through her mind and immediately she cried out for precious Holly. "No baby, it's your daddy.", is what she heard on this phone call. My paw paw, just moments before, had a heart attack on his way to work that morning. He had managed to pull his truck onto the shoulder as it was happening so as to not put anyone else in danger. With his truck pulled onto the shoulder, right at Chippewa, he slumped over and passed away.

I don't think my mom has been the same ever since that day. There's an empty spot in her soul that no one has or will ever be able to fill. I never got to know my paw paw b - but I imagine how our relationship would have been all the time.

***to be continued***

And then one day....your life comes together....

My my my...life is a strange, crazy, beautiful - yet scary roller coaster ride. Full of loop-de-loops, hard turns...then sudden stops. You know that feeling when everything around you is pure chaos. Nothing makes sense. You are up, you are down - you try to explain yourself but even you are unsure of what is going on. Then when the ride stops, your vision becomes more focused and most of all you are thankful for surviving.

I've really enjoyed watching and feeling myself grow as person each and every day. It's fulfilling. The situations are not always ideal but the lesson, at the end of the day, made everything worth it. Faith in happiness and goodness have been restored. Roller coasters are welcome to offer me a ride anytime they choose. I'm going to try not to run from them anymore and will just secure myself with the seat belt. :)

The battles have been fought and all is left is you...

I have to tell you that I am very content in where my life has taken me...no, it hasn't been perfect or free from heartache but I know that without those things...I would never be able to appreciate the wondrous beauty that has been seen before my very eyes.

I seem to have found a comfort in knowing and understanding. A comfort in knowing that I do not have to settle for less than what will add to my happiness...not make my happiness.

I have met someone....one I have known for many years. He's been on the outskirts of my lows and also of my highs. A sticky situation is in place for he is supposed to be and will always be uncharted territory to those of myself.

But you know when you wake up to a crisp, sunshine lover of a morning and all you can do is set your face straight into the sky while each and every ray beams down onto your pleading face?? That's how I feel right now. My soul opens....and his rays of beauty fill me within the depths of my body. Twinkling my eyes, curling out the sides of my lips,....I relinquish my before held barres.

The first battle was coming to terms with myself....who am I?...what am I searching for? when will I find it? where shall it be?

To answer all of these questions...the common denominator was myself. I can't expect for someone else to fix my problems...or really even point me in the right direction. I know my faults and am aware of them everyday. I am also aware of the beauty that surrounds me. Each and every moment I get....I love to take him in. I do not need him for my happiness, yet, his happiness gives me joy. I am looking forward to sharing his joy as well as have him share in my joy as well. I have never met another like him in my life.

So, all in all, this post was meant to tell the world that it is very possible to run in to the person who meets all the criteria that once before you were told never existed. Do not give up the dream and settle for something less. It's out there....but you can't look for it for it shall not be seen. You have to be in the right state of mind of wanting to be able to enjoy life. And when you do....you come across many others who are doing just that. Enjoying life.

So....Dances.....you know who you are. Thank you so much for living the life that you live and allowing me to share in that joy. You truly are a work of magnificent art that amazes me each and every day.

Good night angel.

Is everyone giving an honest effort at life?

There is something so telling from the hug from my Nannie. She understands me. She disciplines me when need be. .I know you love me and I have never doubted it. Why do you think I get tears in my eyes almost every time I so much as get a hug from you?....I can feel your love...I can see it...I can hear it...I can hold it. The only thing I can hope for is that I can give to you all the treasures you have given to me. Lately, more than ever, the snake like tongue has been visible. People that love one another are digging deep into their souls to find ammunition to regurgitate for the sole purpose of hurting. Name calling, belittling, making others feel less than... And Nannie, you may be one of the strongest women I know...you aren't perfect...and that makes it even more appealing...you are real. You represent things that are possible through God. If I ever heard you talk to someone the way that I've heard a couple others the past few weeks...I think I would have a heart attack...then I would check your pulse and temperature. Haha, I may have heard you call Uncle Mike an asshole and you may have been mad while doing it...but it just didn't sound mean...sounded like you were moving into uncharted waters...which in return made me giggle. To me, one of the worst burdens to carry are having said things that cannot be taken back. Yes, you can apologize...but when you are filled with SO much anger that your mouth opens to let the devil escape...well, he won that first battle. Because now you have vocally hurt someone in ways that will always follow them. My efforts are honest in watching what I say during an argument...success rate is fairly high...but not 100%. And Nannie, you have shown me how to build the strength and courage and discipline to be able to fast forward a bit in my mind to what possibilities could be the result of my actions...so my tongue is held and I will say something like.."What are you doing? Look at how you are acting!" in an odd mothering lecture way! I'm only human, I have those thoughts coming into my mind about all the things I could do or say that would ultimately break this person down in a single blow...and in the end, no matter what the other person calls me or says to me...it's never worth the lifetime of carrying a burden so heavy as being the source of taking someone down so viciously in an argument. Nannie...I love you so unbelievably much and I respect you and everything you stand for. I appreciate your worries...even though, I don't want to make you worry - and I promise...I am working on it. Today has been a telling day and I am thankful for it - I've been anxiously waiting for it. You have my heart and I know you will always take care of it.

Linney...I hope you know that I love you and having you not feel that from the frustration that I have shown makes me sad. Regardless of what is said or done - at the end of the day, I love you and want what is best for you and for you to be okay, and for you to be happy, and for you to love yourself...but not in an egotistical way. You know what I mean... Your heart is kind and good and I know it's hard to fight battles, especially hidden battles that are fought when you think no one is watching. Some of us go through life...not wanting to deal or believe certain truths in our lives so we falsify them and distort them to be something we are okay with...living that lie every single day...until one day, you have been thinking it for so long, it becomes what you feel is reality. I can imagine how frightening it is...I have done it before. In fact, one of the years James and I were going to therapy, I had felt such guilt from the way I had acted as a wife in our marriage that I had kept telling myself excuses and reasons that it wasn't my fault or I didn't do anything wrong...and at the the end of one day...my mind had actually believed my lie. So...my mentality was that it was a truth and when you are fighting for what you belief to be true...giving up or wavering does not come easily. And do you think my therapy sessions were helping me? Not a single bit. I was in therapy...trying to fix....a made up problem. Kind of ridiculous, huh? I was told once that being too into yourself is very problematic in all aspects of your life....you can let yourself get in the way of your own life. If you are sitting with a friend and they start to giggle....the automatic reaction is to be defensive and think they are giggling at you. Well, I was told to wake up buttercup - it's not always about you! And I was really taken by surprise and made an honest effort to watch how

and if I did that often - and sure enough, I would have to stop words that were about to come out of my mouth on several occasions. It's something I had to deal with and I have also been noticing it a lot with the way I see your mind processing... not only does it hurt the image you hold of yourself.... it can make others feel unimportant and like a mere human being that is being allowed to sit in your company. The need and want for personal greatness is totally necessary and healthy. I would hope no one would have the dream of being less than great. It's when the overwhelmingly huge need for others to know/think you are great. When you are standing on a mountain preaching to a crowd in the highest decibel ever about how much you rock and everyone else sucks....one or two will start to walk away until you have have a handful of people twiddling their thumbs left in the crowd before you. Have a close friend up on that same rock preaching to that same crowd about you, their dear friend, and all of their accomplishments.....there is a sense of admiration that comes over the group.