When a piece of the puzzle is missing.........

Here lately, I've been very emotional. I guess I have quite a few instances to choose from to talk to you about - so here is one that can tell a good part of my life, in a nutshell......

Have you ever had someone in your life that was basically your other half? go to person? shoulder to lean on? always there person? well,.....your person. I have known my "person" for almost 29 years now.
And I feel like I cheated a lot people because I had her as my "person" - they did not.

Paige was born a year before me. ( I can't even think of what went on with her before I was born!) When I was born.....it didn't take much for Paige to come over and bite me on the head to let me know.....she loved me.......hehehe.

She was definitely my person. My secret holder...esteem builder....tear wiper...., basically.....she is my ultimate flawless piece of pure rich earth. I have more years with her than I do anyone else. And not just years......life changing moments. Years that have molded us in to who we are and who we want to be. We planned our lives together....and bless the men in our lives to have to deal with that. I remember planning my life with Paige when I was around 7 years old or so.

Creepy? Maybe....but not to us. haha.

New walks of life..........

Wow! I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile. I would give you the spill about how busy I have been....but, who isn't busy, right? So, I'll spare you the details of that nonsense.

So many things going through my mind here lately. My feelings have been hurt numerous times, yet I feel stronger. I feel like (maybe not 100%) I'm really trying to focus on "Beth". It's interesting. I guess I need to be able to enjoy myself before I can ever even ask someone else to enjoy me.

I didn't have cable for about the first 3 weeks I moved. I read every night....no sounds around the house or anything. It was heaven.

Something I have really noticed lately....is my understanding. Maybe it's because I definitely need to be around people who are understanding of me.....so I try to be understanding for everyone else. I have been taking criticisms well - and try to pull something positive from them....learn from them.

One thing I've learned is that I am a sensitive person....nothing wrong with it....it's how God made me - and I don't want it to change. With being a sensitive person though....I'm trying to understand that NOT everyone in the world is sensitive. In fact, very few are. Just trying to not let it get to me.

Throughout my life, I have given up things that were important to me. Would make myself conform into whatever/whoever was around. What a soul-killing thing to do. I don't recommend it. All you are left with is a hollow shell of who you are suppose to be. Lifeless....robotic.....sad.

Phew! I'm feeling very emotional. It's funny though because I will get tears in my eyes and I'm not sure what the reason is for them coming.

I played an April Fool's Day joke today on my mother.....told her I was leaving work for a couple weeks....taking out some of my money......and just hitting the road...getting away. Damn that sounds good. I wish I could.

I would love to go somewhere, a place where I don't know a single person, a place where I can go to shows by myself and truly enjoy them.....browse around a book store.....walk around an art gallery.....and then ultimately losing myself in all of it. Yeah....I want to do that. Immediately.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.....another thing I have been feeling lately.....and I'm not sure how I feel about this.....I have been feeling the traits of a woman scorned. I think I'm having trust issues. It's weird. I'm usually stupid trusting....just sick! Now...the second I am told something....I doubt its validity....however, I keep it to myself.

Well....I'm almost divorced. Something strange that happened throughout all of this is that I was able to be honest with myself and understand that I do love James. I do. It's a different love....but it's still love. It's refreshing to know. This has been something that I have needed to feel. For the longest time, I couldn't understand how I could just turn it off - and I now know that it wasn't turned off. The love is still there, just not marriage love. I have been coming up with things I will not compromise in the future. The more I think about it....the more I realize that there is a good chance I may not marry again. I don't want to be let down....and I surely don't want to let anyone else down. I wasn't put on this earth to hurt people. And I wasn't put on this earth to be hurt either. Maybe one day....it will hit me like a ton of bricks and I will know that for sure.....this will be the one. (if there is such a thing)

Specifically, right now I have this issue.....and it makes me confused and irritated......and at times....stupid. Do you know those electric fences they have for dogs and they put a collar around their necks that shock them if they cross the fence? I wonder how many times they get shocked before they realize it's just not good to step out of boundaries....and the chances of it changing are probably not good?

God gives us red flags everyday, and everyday we over look them - even if deep down inside we see them out the corner of our eye. I could feed a third world country if I was given a penny for ever red flag I've ever been given. Hmmm......interesting. I bet that number directly correlates with how many times I've been hurt. Dang I wish I had kept count. Sheesh! Just kidding! That would totally suck. I would need a house just to hold my screw ups.

I sure have been rambling a lot here.....sorry.

Someone told me the other day, a few things that may be issues for me in the future. It was really hard to take in. However, after listening to all of them....I was not mad - I understood exactly what they were getting at. Don't you hate it when that happens. When you can't honestly defend yourself because you can see where the other person is coming from? Uhhhh I'm terrible at that.