Tells all.............

Here it is....3 am - and I, of course, am unable to sleep. The eyes tell all. They tell you I am concerned (about so many things). They tell you I am angry. My eyes will show you sadness and happiness. But above all....they tell you everything. They look at you and say "This is me".

I wish I could do everything I ever wanted to be able to do. But the realization that I am not superwoman....is wearing on me. I want to be able to do it all...to fix it all....but I can't.

I can't make my boss stay at his job just because he is a blessing to work for. I can't make my ex-husband not despise me in spite of miscommunication between the two of us. I can't make my maw maw B get out of bed and walk on her own and be who she was a few months ago. I can't unmake the mistakes of my past and erase them from my memories. I can't promise that there won't be more to come. I can't tell you that getting a divorce from my husband was the right decision. I can't tell you that I am okay with him leaving/moving to another state in a week. I can't tell you that I am okay with not having a plan. I can't make a friend of mine realize that she is worth so much more than she thinks she is, especially when I struggle with the same thing.

I feel foolish. I feel childish. I feel stuck. In a rut. Without a piece of board to help me zip on out of it. It's a rut that has many faces and each one bares a burden to me.

Am I where I am suppose to be? Am I? It doesn't feel like it. Doesn't feel like it at all. I guess the jig is up - things don't always end up the way you planned it. All of a sudden you find yourself in the midst of a storm.

A storm that has picked up everything in your life like a whirlwind and just keeps tossing them at you. Which ones do I leap for? Which ones are okay to let fall to the ground - even though it would break into a million pieces. It's quite the juggling act folks - that I am far from mastering.

You are selling a house, after a divorce, raging emotions - fights about who gets what.......

The person you have considered your go to person - even if you didn't always get along, is moving.....to another state....

The last couple of weeks you have been working 7 days a week atleast 10 hours a day....

Your maw maw is sick.....and I just want to be with her

The ex-husband doesn't understand that all these things are going on and that I can't accommodate all of his needs.

He doesn't understand that I do actually need him too.

I have received two tickets back to back for an expired inspection sticker....that I cannot get until I have an updated registration....

My debit card has been cut off b/c it has been compromised through VISA so I have no access to my money until I am able to go show proof of my address...

This leads me back to the DMV to get a new drvs license with my correct address on it so I can go in the bank and prove that I am who I am....

I want to look back at my life and think to myself that I had a life full of accomplishments. I've had some...some great big ones...that I let go of.

Just some things that are weighing on my mind right now...

A moment in time...

One day you wake up - and everything is different from the life you had before. It's weird to me. How can things that seem to remain constant...all of a sudden, not be constant?

One day you wake up, look in the mirror - and wonder to yourself who is person I see before me. It is not who I thought I would be.

One day you wake up only to remember what you wish you had forgotten. Dreamland had taken you away to a magical place where souls are healed, wounds are bandaged, feelings are validated...it's where you want to be.

One day you wake up and realize the many missed opportunities you've had in your life.

One day you wake up and think to yourself.....please don't let it be too late.

Too late. Missed chance. Forgotten. Can't go back. It's too late.

A moment in time - lost without you knowing it was there. Funny how when hard times come, your mind becomes a roladex of missed opportunities.