"I don't know"

That's what this blog is about. I just don't know. And by me always letting my feelings out on this blog, I guess it makes me a little vulnerable. I feel like I have no privacy. There's a difference between what I write on here and other things in my life. If I write it on here verbatim - obviously it's not that private. Society has a definition of normal that most people go by.....but what exactly does that make the rest of us? Because I am a deep thinker....because I have strong emotions and sometimes very strong opinions.......that makes me.....what? If you aren't in the normal category......what is the other category? Honestly, I think I would be pretty freaking normal if I was just let alone for a bit.

I am a true believer in respect. I will respect for as long as I am able, but once you disrespect over and over again.......why should I continue to care about respecting you? You basically get a million chances with me......then I say screw it. There are people out there everyday who are constantly getting disrespected in ways that others couldn't even imagine. People who are frightened to go to sleep at night in fear of what may happen while they are asleep. Imagine if you were sleeping.......you woke up.....and noticed a shadow dashing off the side of your bed? Creepy, huh?

Let's say you have been violated in a way where you were burglarized or a victim of some sort of fraud........if you have, can you remember that feeling of violation? It's a strange feeling when you and your personal space have been violated. I tell you......once you have lived a life that was based on total violation of your personal life and your personal views.......you begin to feel like a little puppet being played in someone else's life.

Right now.....I feel as though every component that makes up "Beth" has been violated. My feelings, my trust, my privacy, my thoughts, my life............. It's like someone broke into my life and burglarized it, creeping and crawling all around it.....running their hands over things that are mine. It's all been tainted. And I don't like that.

Thought a lot today.........

***First off - This is a picture of my beautiful Caidence and her BeBe (me). I love this picture. I feel so many things when I look at it.***

When I was younger, I remember having so many hopes and dreams. There was a life I imagined that was so full of colorful things.

I didn't have a specific occupation picked out....but I always pictured myself in an executive type position, with my black pencil style skirt and a white button-up.....and of course a slick briefcase in my hand. I wanted to be a strong, powerful woman who would make a difference by doing wonderful things. I never envisioned myself to be a housewife. However, I always felt like I would be married and have kids by the time I was 22 or so. I never feared that this wouldn't happen for me. That was the road map for life and I just figured that I would get to each point when it was my turn. But I thought my turn would be set......organized....already planned. For me, it wasn't.

I am 28 and married. No children. No executive job. I went to college and got a degree that would allow me to become a Parole Officer. I didn't realize this until I graduated. First, I was in Psychology.....then I decided on Elementary Education.....then I decided that I just wanted out of school and picked something that would get me out asap. So, I ended up with a degree in Sociology, concentration in Criminology. I can't blame anyone but myself for the way things turned out. When you are younger, you just don't realize how the decisions you make will ultimately decide what direction you go in life. Do you know what I do now? I am an Administrative Assistant. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy my job. I don't feel like work is going to kill me - and that right there is awesome. I still can't help to wonder how I got here though. 28 years of possibilities and chances.......and I ended up here. I get so frustrated with myself, wondering "Beth, what the heck have you been doing for these past 28 years?". I am almost 30 and what I thought was already figured out....is not. I'm way off pace. The worst part about it, is that if I knew exactly where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. I would be able to make it happen.....atleast form a path for myself - but I don't know what I want. Simple things I know - If I go to a specific restaurant - I'll know what I want to eat. But deep important choices and decision making - I just go off the deep end. You could ask me what I want to do (as in work) - I don't know the answer to that. You could ask me to tell you who I am......I would stumble. You could ask me if I plan to have children.....I wouldn't have an answer for you.

If you ask me what I want....in general.....I would be able to answer. I want be able to love with all my heart and soul and to be loved back in the same exact way. Love. I want it to always be in my life.

My New Year's Resolution was to find myself, figure out who "Beth" is and start taking control of my life.