Which side up?

So I have been staring at this screen for about 30 minutes now. So many things I want to say, but I guess I have to take it one topic at a time. I'm divorced now. One of the most soul killing things I have been through. And lonely too....

I feel like I may have made things tougher too. A long time ago, I basically shut off communication from my husband, er, I guess ex-husband now. So now you have the person that has been with you through every single difficult thing in your life in the last 7 years.....not being your rock through one of the HARDEST things you may have to do in your life. It kills me. I want so bad to say....I love you and I want to give this another try. But for some reason I can't.....if I were to open my mouth and just let the words come out - they would hide. I don't understand what I am so terrified of. The one thing I can say for sure, 100%....is that I never ever ever want him out of my life. The idea of him not being in my life - is way too much to handle. I know he won't be my friend though - and I understand that...I know that would be hard but it seems harder to be without him.

On another note - I feel like I have let down some very important people in my life by not having a family at this point in my life. I'm struggling with the fact that I am starting to realize that there is a good chance I won't have children of my own. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure, most of which I am probably showering onto myself.

Navarre......

**First off, I have to say that my friend Sheetal looks like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. ****

Her and I have been on a Navarre Beach binge. We simply can't get enough.

It's my little piece of breathing that takes me from recklessness to calmness.

There is 7 years of my life....taunting me. 7 years of my life that seems to have just totally vanished. Vanished people. It is very very very very strange.

I wonder...through my life, divorce....things like that - if love is a true thing? Maybe it's lost just like me. I know that love is only as strong and true as you make it. But what are my capabilities? What are yours?

After everything is said and done - the words have hurt, they cut like knives, now I'm sweeping up any trace.

I feel as though I'm being held back from.....that I too am holding back. Which leaves me with nothing.

A new start is what I need. A new outlook on life.

Much needed fun

Out of my element and having a blast. Thank you Aubrey! Seriously needed this to the 10th power.

Sometimes I forget that I'm not old and decrepit. I managed to pull my lazy ass of my couch.....fix myself up a little, and ended up having the time of my life!

I wore things I would never wear before (and I loved it) and I partied with people that I soon became close friends with.

Let go

This picture says a lot to me.

I feel your eyes upon me but I can't hear your thoughts
I can feel my chest rising as I breathe in and out
Rushing in and out of my mind
little thoughts of what you see
Is it what I want you to see? It's not my choice.
And before it begins....I know its end
Before my very eyes - its crumbling down
I know. You know. We both feel.
Every move I make, I can feel your beautiful eyes watching me
Why does it make me so uncomfortable?
Am I scared that you will see me? That all I am...is me.
Will you think it's breathtaking? Or will you run?
Again.
The end is already made up - hard to enjoy the beginning.
Push me out of your thoughts, I don't want to be there anymore
Push me out of your dreams - we know they won't come true
Push me as far as you can - because I cannot freely go
Memories are still lingering strong, leaving little traces of nonsense
Nonsense that I make to be real...want so badly to be real
My eyes shut and you are there
They open and you are not
How does it happen that you have taken such an important piece of me
I didn't want it to be taken - you didn't mean to take it
Yet still I'm left with all of me.

I'm not sure I know what reality is......

Sometimes I sit back and take in all that is going on around me...take notice.....and then at other times, I am so carefree and just loving life. There are so many things I want out of my life. At this point, I'm not even sure I am going the right way. Everything seems so out of reach. I.....seem out of reach.

I don't think I've written about it yet, but my divorce is final. It was on April 16th. Strange how something you always knew can just all of sudden not exist at all. I'm having trouble dealing with that aspect. Something that at the end of the day, you knew was there. A constant in your life. And now.....I just feel lost. Very very....lost. I'm not sure of anything. I'm not even sure what I'm doing tomorrow. I am 28. Divorced. No children. I do have a job, thank you Jesus. I just don't know where to go from here. Every day passes by so quickly, each second, even faster. Yesterdays memories are now only a flash in my mind.

I feel misjudged. I also feel like I misjudge others. My feelings are the root of all evil, haha. Seriously though. My heart is overflowing with all sorts of emotions. It's pouring out. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm scared I won't be able to find someone to handle me. At times I feel as though I'm too much. Too much to take in.