Oh yeah.....this really happened to me today....

Short and simple.

I was told that I look 32 today.

End of story.

I don't want to discuss this ever again.

Things I miss...........

It was hard to pick only a few pictures of things I miss. But the ones I put up....except for the one I couldn't find with Maw Maw B, I can sum it up. I miss my family....the closeness of my family. And I know it's partly my fault....b/c basically I am just weird. I close up and have all these emotions but don't know how to show them.

In the first picture.....that's Paige and I. I miss that girl like crazy. She is my confidant. She loves me....regardless of my mistakes.....she loves me unconditionally. I feel lost sometimes because I see everyone going through life with their plans.....the same plans that I had but can't seem to follow through with. I'm terrified of being left behind. She is my rock. She may not always understand me.....but she always tries. I know that she would do anything for me. It's so comforting to have her in my life. She is married and has a family now....and sometimes I'm not sure where I fit. I don't want to intrude on her new life....I want to be a part of it. I just don't know how. Some of the best memories throughout my entire life so far......I would say 95% include her.

......great now I'm crying again.

In the second picture.....that's the family kids growing up. Dusty, me, Jake, Lindsey, Justin, Caleb, Paige, and Whitney.....where the heck is Eric? hmmmm......anyway. I was an only child but honestly......I felt as though these were my brothers and sisters. They took care of me....we always were super close and always had each others best interest in mind. I miss that. Dusty lives in Austin now. Eric lives in New Orleans. Jake lives in Missouri. Paige is married and has a baby....starting her own family. Looking at that picture, seeing us at the ages of 2 to 7. And now looking at us in our early twenties, late twenties....and early thirties. I miss them. I miss my family. I feel like I've lost important things in there lives and I can't stand that.

In the third picture......that's my mom and I. We use to have this amazing bond. Honestly, I can't say whether or not it was a healthy bond, but it was still a strong bond. I miss her. I miss our talks....our normal talks. When she would come and lie on my bed with me and we would just talk about my day. No one prepares you for the changes that come with adulthood. I just really miss her....and I have just been having such a hard time opening up that I can't say it....I don't know how to say it. I just miss my mom.

In the last picture......that's my dad and I. I miss him but in a weird way. For instance, in that picture.....when I was growing up.....my dad and I had a super bond. We were close.....we did cool stuff together. Hot wheels....finding snakes and worms outside and playing with them.....I remember him teaching me how to cast a fishing rod in the front yard. He helped me with my rock collection.....and we were always doing science experiments. My father is a genius. We use to go out in the fields and he would shoot skeet - I would pull the string. I miss him.

Ok.....so that's enough for tonight! Love you all so very very much! Muah!

What a day......................

I have two parts to today........Let's start with part 1.

I came home for lunch today and James had his truck in the driveway loading up his tools for a couple of sales calls. So, I pulled up basically in the grass beside him, just in case he needed to leave before I left. I came in and nibbled on a thing or two and then went out the door to rush back to work.

James was out in the driveway still loading up and as I'm getting into my car, he says "Please be careful and drive safe". I kinda chuckled and said "I will" and then I said, "I've noticed lately that I am actually a terrible driver." He still told me to be careful and I grinned and waved.

I get into the Durango....put it in reverse....and put the petal to the metal. Not only did I forget where I had parked my car (in the grass), I had also forgot that the mailbox was now directly behind me. I was reminded in about 5 seconds. I remember hitting it and just kept going b/c, c'mon, seriously, did I just run in to my own IRON mailbox right after the conversation I just had with James? Well....oh yes....yes indeed I did. The Durango showed that mailbox who was boss. I drove back up and at that moment realized that I had backed out wrong....quickly checked my rearview mirror......no mailbox. Jeeeez. Next, I try to locate James (I'm still in my car). I want to see his reaction. We were both shocked.....actually still can't believe it. I couldn't stop laughing. Here I am, looking at the remains of my heavy duty mailbox in the middle of the street with numbers from address thrown all about. Wow........I took that thing out!!!!! And the Durango didn't even get a scratch. So, the moral of this story is if I tell you I am terrible at something......believe me....really I am.

Part 2 of my day.............

When I got home for the day.......I parked the beast and when to check the mail (James rigged it up in yard). I was very careful with it b/c it moved every time I touched it. It was a good mail day. I had a gift from my Nannie (pic above) and a Christmas card from my best friend.....whom I miss so much. First I opened Paige's card....and it was a beautiful glowing picture of Caidence. It brought tears to my eyes looking at this precious angel. I can't really describe what it feels like to look at Caidence. Her mother (paige) and I.......we have had a 28 year bond that no one could ever understand. It's almost as though we were one. So, it just touches me that when I look at Caidence that she is beautiful miracle life that Paige made. When I even just think about it, I get tears in my eyes......it's just so precious. And she's beautiful.

I then got all settled down to open the gift my Nannie sent me. And it's weird....but as I am opening this gift......I am crying......because it felt so special. First of all when I looked at the card, it was a picture of all of Nannie's grand babies....Amber, Allie, Anna, and Caidence. Beautiful. Then I got to the note attached to a book. It said that it was an early Christmas present....it was a book, and she knows I love to read and thought this would be nice for me to read. Again....tears formed in my eyes. It's strange....everytime I hug my Nannie....it's one of those good hugs where I never want to let go....and I always have to fight back the tears.....and I don't know why. I don't know what kind of tears they are. But they always come.

So.....in conclusion.....I thoroughly enjoyed my day. I love you all.

Didn't you know I was perfect?

Not quite. Some may even say......far from it. I know a few that could say that right now.

Truth is.....I'M NOT PERFECT!!! Surprise surprise! The jiggs up.

I've never claimed to be perfect. Ever. I own up to my mistakes.....to things that have gone wrong in my life....I take accountability for things that happen in my life. I control the good and the bad. As do each of you reading this.

Happiness is a choice. Some days we wake up and think to ourselves....ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhweeeeeeeeeeee.....Today is going to be good. And on others.....you wake up in an instant crappy mood.

My main thing here....possibly one of my biggest pet peeves is not taking accountability for things that go wrong in your life. If something is wrong in your life.....you are the only one who can change that. And if you try to slide along saying that if so and so didn't do whatever or if whatever hadn't happened to me, then I would be ok. Knock it off already. Your life is where it is because you brought it there. It's not because this or that happened to you. Chances are, you weren't doing what you were suppose to be doing in the first place.

Step 1: Accept your mistakes and stop blaming other. How are we suppose to be strong if always put the blame on someone/something else.
Step 2: Not only accept your mistakes, but take accountability for them. For instance, If I live a hundred more years.......all unhappy. That is my fault. No one else to blame but myself.
Step 3: Learn how to be able to depend on yourself. It's nice to think that others will always be there for you......but unfortunately, they won't. As I've said before....YOU determine your happiness.
Step 4: Start thinking for yourself.....you don't want it to be to late and become a 50 year old woman/man still trying to figure them selves out. Know your beliefs.....and don't bend. This is your life. Even if you are made to feel like you don't have a voice........speak it. Sooner or later....it will be heard, and they would have wished they had heard it earlier.

I'm going nighty night.......finish up tomorrow. Looooves you!