I want to be free

Of everything. I enjoy the times I have to myself but then I picture my life 20, 30 years from now. Will I still be okay with just being with.....me? Maybe I don't want to be free of everything.

I guess my main worry is that here lately, people have been pointing out that I'm a little different.....is that good? bad? I think the latter.

You would think by now that I would know who I am. You would think by now that I would know how to read people. You would think by now that I would know how to see the truth. I don't. I don't have the first clue.

It just hit me....actually just this moment....tears in my eyes. There are some pretty amazing people around me that love me. They love me - regardless of what a mess I am. And what do I do? I push them as far as I possibly can away from me. Get away. I feel helpless. Hopeless.

I remember when I was married. I didn't miss my husband when he was gone. This worried me. How can I be in a relationship where I don't miss the other. I told him I needed space....time apart....I needed to be able to miss him. I was given the chance to miss him finally. And I did. However, it's as though I had lost my voice. The words would not come out. I could not tell him that I missed him. I could not do it. I'm not sure that I ever did let him know....

What is going on.....

Alright...here's the deal. I have no idea whatsoever what I am doing. And I am terrified....so much that I have cut myself off from a lot of people. I don't even know what I am scared of.

Ugh...seriously, I can't understand myself, how can I explain to you something that I don't know.

I'm not grounded. I don't know how to deal with or face reality. Reality is somewhat harsh. To someone like me. Who is not level headed. Would believe you if you told me some ridiculous lie. I wish I weren't my biggest enemy at times.