Tells all.............

Here it is....3 am - and I, of course, am unable to sleep. The eyes tell all. They tell you I am concerned (about so many things). They tell you I am angry. My eyes will show you sadness and happiness. But above all....they tell you everything. They look at you and say "This is me".

I wish I could do everything I ever wanted to be able to do. But the realization that I am not superwoman....is wearing on me. I want to be able to do it all...to fix it all....but I can't.

I can't make my boss stay at his job just because he is a blessing to work for. I can't make my ex-husband not despise me in spite of miscommunication between the two of us. I can't make my maw maw B get out of bed and walk on her own and be who she was a few months ago. I can't unmake the mistakes of my past and erase them from my memories. I can't promise that there won't be more to come. I can't tell you that getting a divorce from my husband was the right decision. I can't tell you that I am okay with him leaving/moving to another state in a week. I can't tell you that I am okay with not having a plan. I can't make a friend of mine realize that she is worth so much more than she thinks she is, especially when I struggle with the same thing.

I feel foolish. I feel childish. I feel stuck. In a rut. Without a piece of board to help me zip on out of it. It's a rut that has many faces and each one bares a burden to me.

Am I where I am suppose to be? Am I? It doesn't feel like it. Doesn't feel like it at all. I guess the jig is up - things don't always end up the way you planned it. All of a sudden you find yourself in the midst of a storm.

A storm that has picked up everything in your life like a whirlwind and just keeps tossing them at you. Which ones do I leap for? Which ones are okay to let fall to the ground - even though it would break into a million pieces. It's quite the juggling act folks - that I am far from mastering.

You are selling a house, after a divorce, raging emotions - fights about who gets what.......

The person you have considered your go to person - even if you didn't always get along, is moving.....to another state....

The last couple of weeks you have been working 7 days a week atleast 10 hours a day....

Your maw maw is sick.....and I just want to be with her

The ex-husband doesn't understand that all these things are going on and that I can't accommodate all of his needs.

He doesn't understand that I do actually need him too.

I have received two tickets back to back for an expired inspection sticker....that I cannot get until I have an updated registration....

My debit card has been cut off b/c it has been compromised through VISA so I have no access to my money until I am able to go show proof of my address...

This leads me back to the DMV to get a new drvs license with my correct address on it so I can go in the bank and prove that I am who I am....

I want to look back at my life and think to myself that I had a life full of accomplishments. I've had some...some great big ones...that I let go of.

Just some things that are weighing on my mind right now...