Coming undone......but not in a bad way.

Last night - I broke. My chest seemed to be caving in on my lungs. It's fair to say I had my first serious breakdown.

A much needed breakdown.

At times I find I am just wandering through my life like a mindless robot. Step into my car and all of a sudden - POOF! I'm at my destination wondering how the heck did I get here? Something happened to me last night and now that I have had time to think about it - I am beginning to think it happened for a reason. God had been sending me all these wake-up calls that I just wouldn't answer. I wasn't listening. I wasn't paying attention. Had no idea that the world was going on around me. It's amazing His love for me - to care for me so much - to keep trying to teach me......and wake me up.

Daisy went missing last night....for about an hour and a half before I even noticed. I panicked. My cousin Lindsey was so worried about me that she was calling friends of mine to come over (without me knowing it) because I was literally freaking out. I felt helpless....immense guilt...and disappointment. When I drove up last night, Daisy greeted me at the door and all she wanted to do was love on her momma. That was all the little angel wanted. All I wanted was for her to get inside b/c I don't like them out without a leash on. In all the commotion of the dogs outside and me emptying my car. Apparently Daisy didn't make it back into the house. I had left my child outside in this cold, dark, unfamiliar place.

Lindsey drove me around and I would try to yell out her name but it just sounded muffled by my cries. All I could think was that I had just basically left my child outside to fend for herself.

Out of all the events I've had go on in my life - I have never cried or felt as much hurt as I did during those heart wrenching moments. We passed a lady in an alley that gave me her email address so she could post the information on the Garden District forum.

Long story short - someone had found Daisy on Government Street and took her into their home. Had already posted something about her on the website. When I read the little description of her....I was filled with pride. They loved her. They dropped her off this morning and said they had been walking her through the neighborhood all morning and how much she enjoys watching the birds. These people had paid so much attention to my baby and loved on her....comforted her... In fact, I think they bathed her and blow drying her hair.

When Daisy jumped out the truck and came over to me - I just smiled....and cried....and stared at her and how lovely she is and how important to me she is. How truly sorry I was for not showing her that.

What I am trying to get across here is that I am well aware that I am a work in progress and I was taught a lesson about life in general last night....a huge lesson. A lesson so big and something that would seem to be such common sense.

Enjoy your life. It's yours. And it's extremely precious. Everything from your pets to your family and friends. Don't let things go unsaid. If no one ever gets to see the beauty of a bright burning sun slowly coming up from the horizon - does it exist? I know that I don't want to keep along this path of missed opportunities in a beautiful world filled with loving people and amazing things. I've decided to keep a little journal in my purse and every day write down 10 things that touched my soul that day. It will help me to complain less....hahaha and realize how silly it is.

I want to be aware of what is going on around me. If my mom needs a little more effort on my part because she is going through something - I want to be able to see it and offer my unconditional love to her - not for her to feel as though she needs to ask.

I am really glad to not only be moving forward but I'm also going to be stepping out of this shell I have been living in for the past 5 or 6 years. Moving forward in my genuine Beth skin gives me chills when I think of all that lies before me.

So I'm very optimistic when I say I miss the old me combined with the mature me - pressing on into a life that has been waiting on me to pick up the pace.