There is something so telling from the hug from my Nannie. She understands me. She disciplines me when need be. .I know you love me and I have never doubted it. Why do you think I get tears in my eyes almost every time I so much as get a hug from you?....I can feel your love...I can see it...I can hear it...I can hold it. The only thing I can hope for is that I can give to you all the treasures you have given to me. Lately, more than ever, the snake like tongue has been visible. People that love one another are digging deep into their souls to find ammunition to regurgitate for the sole purpose of hurting. Name calling, belittling, making others feel less than... And Nannie, you may be one of the strongest women I know...you aren't perfect...and that makes it even more appealing...you are real. You represent things that are possible through God. If I ever heard you talk to someone the way that I've heard a couple others the past few weeks...I think I would have a heart attack...then I would check your pulse and temperature. Haha, I may have heard you call Uncle Mike an asshole and you may have been mad while doing it...but it just didn't sound mean...sounded like you were moving into uncharted waters...which in return made me giggle. To me, one of the worst burdens to carry are having said things that cannot be taken back. Yes, you can apologize...but when you are filled with SO much anger that your mouth opens to let the devil escape...well, he won that first battle. Because now you have vocally hurt someone in ways that will always follow them. My efforts are honest in watching what I say during an argument...success rate is fairly high...but not 100%. And Nannie, you have shown me how to build the strength and courage and discipline to be able to fast forward a bit in my mind to what possibilities could be the result of my actions...so my tongue is held and I will say something like.."What are you doing? Look at how you are acting!" in an odd mothering lecture way! I'm only human, I have those thoughts coming into my mind about all the things I could do or say that would ultimately break this person down in a single blow...and in the end, no matter what the other person calls me or says to me...it's never worth the lifetime of carrying a burden so heavy as being the source of taking someone down so viciously in an argument. Nannie...I love you so unbelievably much and I respect you and everything you stand for. I appreciate your worries...even though, I don't want to make you worry - and I promise...I am working on it. Today has been a telling day and I am thankful for it - I've been anxiously waiting for it. You have my heart and I know you will always take care of it.
Linney...I hope you know that I love you and having you not feel that from the frustration that I have shown makes me sad. Regardless of what is said or done - at the end of the day, I love you and want what is best for you and for you to be okay, and for you to be happy, and for you to love yourself...but not in an egotistical way. You know what I mean... Your heart is kind and good and I know it's hard to fight battles, especially hidden battles that are fought when you think no one is watching. Some of us go through life...not wanting to deal or believe certain truths in our lives so we falsify them and distort them to be something we are okay with...living that lie every single day...until one day, you have been thinking it for so long, it becomes what you feel is reality. I can imagine how frightening it is...I have done it before. In fact, one of the years James and I were going to therapy, I had felt such guilt from the way I had acted as a wife in our marriage that I had kept telling myself excuses and reasons that it wasn't my fault or I didn't do anything wrong...and at the the end of one day...my mind had actually believed my lie. So...my mentality was that it was a truth and when you are fighting for what you belief to be true...giving up or wavering does not come easily. And do you think my therapy sessions were helping me? Not a single bit. I was in therapy...trying to fix....a made up problem. Kind of ridiculous, huh? I was told once that being too into yourself is very problematic in all aspects of your life....you can let yourself get in the way of your own life. If you are sitting with a friend and they start to giggle....the automatic reaction is to be defensive and think they are giggling at you. Well, I was told to wake up buttercup - it's not always about you! And I was really taken by surprise and made an honest effort to watch how
and if I did that often - and sure enough, I would have to stop words that were about to come out of my mouth on several occasions. It's something I had to deal with and I have also been noticing it a lot with the way I see your mind processing... not only does it hurt the image you hold of yourself.... it can make others feel unimportant and like a mere human being that is being allowed to sit in your company. The need and want for personal greatness is totally necessary and healthy. I would hope no one would have the dream of being less than great. It's when the overwhelmingly huge need for others to know/think you are great. When you are standing on a mountain preaching to a crowd in the highest decibel ever about how much you rock and everyone else sucks....one or two will start to walk away until you have have a handful of people twiddling their thumbs left in the crowd before you. Have a close friend up on that same rock preaching to that same crowd about you, their dear friend, and all of their accomplishments.....there is a sense of admiration that comes over the group.
No comments:
Post a Comment