Just tell me who you are......

I was reading an article today in "225" and this guy is writing a book on Edwin Edwards. He was talking about how hard it was to find out "who he was" and not just little facts about what he did - his line of work and everything. It's really a hard thing to do.....to define yourself and not do it by saying just what you do.

I thought about it for awhile.........who AM I? At first, most of my thoughts went back to - I am a girl who works at Wells Fargo and am married, etc..... When I realized I was doing this - I tried to dig deeper.....more of who I am and not what I am.

Okay - so I am going to get weird on you for a little bit. Bare with me.

When I look at a beautiful painting, I feel it. It's really hard to explain it. When I see something.....I break it into all these different components in my mind - different emotions. Same thing with music. I love music. Listening to it stirs different feelings in me. The words are amazing but the actual music - it tells a story. I have 4 major passions.....Reading, Writing, Art, and Music - in no particular order.

So.....who am I?

I'm a quiet soul. A hushed voice. I have a lot of opinions and views......but they don't usually come out in the open. I have learned a very bad habit, and that is - dismissing myself. The thing is, I'm trying to learn how to get out of that without going into overload and coming off as a bitch who all of a sudden has a say on EVERYTHING..........

I have some quirks that I think are unique......and so I guess it helps in defining myself.

It takes me a really long time to pick out a card for someone. And I'm not talking 10 minutes.....it has taken me over an hour before. Picking up each card and reading them carefully....studying the words - even the colors. I'll gather the ones I like, then go through the process again until I have the perfect one picked out. I've spent forever shopping for a card and left empty handed b/c none of them were right. I've also managed to buy a few cards for no reason.....no one to give them to, no special occasion. It's really hard for me to sign my name on a card that I didn't put heart and soul into picking out. The type of relationship I have with the person plays an important role too. For instance, picking out a card for my grandma and picking one out for my mom - two different things. I have to make sure that the words in the card are true. Like, I wouldn't give a card to my grandma that said something like, "You've been through all my ups and downs.....", because well, she hasn't been through all my ups and downs. I would most likely give her a card that spoke of admiration....... I don't want the person reading the card thinking I'm blowing smoke up their ass but to really connect with what the card is saying.

It's sad but it's really hard for me to pick out a card for my dad. Because we haven't had a very defined relationship. So not only am I searching for the card that says the right things but I have to make sure it doesn't say the wrong things......

Can anyone relate to that?

Hmmmm....let's see, what else? When I go and buy CD's......I get situated in my car and unwrap each of them....before I put it in drive - I have all my new cd's ready to go.

Actually, I feel like I'm in some sort of identity crisis right now.

I am going to be 28 on Thursday and I still haven't found my strength. I'm still hopeful it's there. Come out, Come out, wherever you are!!!! :) I'm easily manipulated....sheeesh....here's the worst part. I know when I'm being manipulated, but I hate so much to think that people are bad that I block it from my mind and still believe they are good. Just reading that last line, made me grin - like, what a silly girl. How come I find comfort in believing everyone is good and then become crushed when I realize that they aren't?

I don't want to lose my faith in people or myself.......and our abilities to love and respect each other. I'd hate to think that I was judged by someone just from a bad experience they had with someone else.

And as far as being easily manipulated.....let me spell it out this way. When I first worked for Wells Fargo.....I tried to quit FOUR times. I would muster up all that strength to do it....then they would ask me to stay, so of course, I said Ok......only to have to go through the same agony again and again and again.

****Ok this has been a weird post and I'm getting off track!!! I'm trying to figure out WHO I AM!?!?!?!?******

When I see someone else hurting.......my heart actually hurts for them. But when I hurt.......I clam up and it seems as though I just disappear from the world. Sometimes I want to talk about it.....and sometimes I don't.....and most of the time I just don't understand it.

I think we have all had our moments of "crazy"......I'm just ready for mine to be over with - even though I know it's just beginning. And I can laugh at that.

If I had to describe myself......from the outside looking in........it would read something like this....

Beth Desormeaux:
Will help out whenever she can
Seems to always try to overcompensate for something she is missing
Extremely sensitive and emotional
A different person from who she was in High School
Very trusting........very.
Believes in you....even when she knows she shouldn't.......there's still that hope right?


*****Ok....I'm stopping this post here....and there are some things I need to get off my chest in the next one******