Just a thought............

Let me warn you - yes, this is going to be one of those rambling blogs of mine.

I know that I get my feelings hurt easily. I know this. How do I change it? I'm not sure. I do know that sometimes when my feelings get hurt, it is for legitimate reasons.....I also know that some of them are silly.

I think one of the reasons I enjoy meeting new people is because they don't know me yet. I have that chance to show I am strong, right off the bat. When the people around you know that you are weak.....it's sad but that's what they prey upon.

So....let's get on with it. First off, I don't understand truly mean people. I really don't. I can't grasp being able to let the most hurtful words ever roll over my tongue and pass through my lips. I'm not saying that I haven't said hurtful things before......but I don't go for what would hurt the most.

I will say...."You are mean."...."You are a jerk." - or I will say....."When you do this and that.....it hurts my feelings." And after doing that....I feel like a bitch. So my current policy is "Ignore it"......and it's not working out so well. It's not like hiding under the covers and the monsters go away. They don't go away......in fact, they become bigger and meaner!

What I'm trying to say is that - I'm done. I'm done with allowing myself to be tormented by others, especially others you are suppose to hold close to you - people who are suppose to protect you. I have never wanted to be one of those people who thinks the world is bad or feel like I always need to have my guard up, but I don't know.....maybe that's the right way to be? I know I have to start figuring out what makes ME happy, and stop trying to pretend the things that make me UNHAPPY aren't there.

Take it from me.......it only makes things worse.

Face your problems. Make your decisions, based on your own reasoning. Stick up for yourself......earning the respect of others begins when YOU respect yourself. Never settle or think that you don't deserve something. If you think it - you become it. If you think you will fail, the chances of failure are pretty much a given. Get your mind right. Live your life for what makes you happy. A lifetime without that makes me want to cry. Live a life you can be proud of. Make a difference.

Everything that I just said.......they are things I am learning. I want to learn them so terribly bad. It is a must. I want to be secure. In myself. In my beliefs. In my decisions. In who I am.

At work, they were asking for Volunteers to do bell ringing for The Salvation Army outside of Dillard's. The first thing I thought was....how sweet, I'd like to do that. My next thought was - what will people think of me in red apron ringing a bell...is it ok? The first statement is me. Then second one, well, that was me worrying about how others perceive me.

I'm going to sign up for it.

When I'm old and dying.....I want to be able to say that I lived the life I wanted to live. I controlled the things I could control for my happiness. And if at the end of my life, it seems as though I lived my life for someone else.....I want it to be because it's something I wanted to do....not something I felt I had to do.

There is a difference between having something taken away and sacrificing something. The first one can be negative, the second one, positive. You don't sacrifice things for something you don't believe in.....you sacrifice things out of love for something.....believe in something....passion for something. It's an act that comes from within. But if you have something just taken away...or something you felt you were made to give up....that's against your will. A decision like that can't be one out of love but will stir into resentment, hurt, and anger.

I tend to close up, like I said earlier. If I start to feel threatened or weak or that some sort of confrontation is about to happen......I turn into a mute. I'm serious. It's weird. I make myself invisible sort of. I have grown up a lot....but I still have a lot of growing up to do. You can't run from things.......

Enough weirdness for this post.........