Thought a lot today.........

***First off - This is a picture of my beautiful Caidence and her BeBe (me). I love this picture. I feel so many things when I look at it.***

When I was younger, I remember having so many hopes and dreams. There was a life I imagined that was so full of colorful things.

I didn't have a specific occupation picked out....but I always pictured myself in an executive type position, with my black pencil style skirt and a white button-up.....and of course a slick briefcase in my hand. I wanted to be a strong, powerful woman who would make a difference by doing wonderful things. I never envisioned myself to be a housewife. However, I always felt like I would be married and have kids by the time I was 22 or so. I never feared that this wouldn't happen for me. That was the road map for life and I just figured that I would get to each point when it was my turn. But I thought my turn would be set......organized....already planned. For me, it wasn't.

I am 28 and married. No children. No executive job. I went to college and got a degree that would allow me to become a Parole Officer. I didn't realize this until I graduated. First, I was in Psychology.....then I decided on Elementary Education.....then I decided that I just wanted out of school and picked something that would get me out asap. So, I ended up with a degree in Sociology, concentration in Criminology. I can't blame anyone but myself for the way things turned out. When you are younger, you just don't realize how the decisions you make will ultimately decide what direction you go in life. Do you know what I do now? I am an Administrative Assistant. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy my job. I don't feel like work is going to kill me - and that right there is awesome. I still can't help to wonder how I got here though. 28 years of possibilities and chances.......and I ended up here. I get so frustrated with myself, wondering "Beth, what the heck have you been doing for these past 28 years?". I am almost 30 and what I thought was already figured out....is not. I'm way off pace. The worst part about it, is that if I knew exactly where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. I would be able to make it happen.....atleast form a path for myself - but I don't know what I want. Simple things I know - If I go to a specific restaurant - I'll know what I want to eat. But deep important choices and decision making - I just go off the deep end. You could ask me what I want to do (as in work) - I don't know the answer to that. You could ask me to tell you who I am......I would stumble. You could ask me if I plan to have children.....I wouldn't have an answer for you.

If you ask me what I want....in general.....I would be able to answer. I want be able to love with all my heart and soul and to be loved back in the same exact way. Love. I want it to always be in my life.

My New Year's Resolution was to find myself, figure out who "Beth" is and start taking control of my life.