I want to be free

Of everything. I enjoy the times I have to myself but then I picture my life 20, 30 years from now. Will I still be okay with just being with.....me? Maybe I don't want to be free of everything.

I guess my main worry is that here lately, people have been pointing out that I'm a little different.....is that good? bad? I think the latter.

You would think by now that I would know who I am. You would think by now that I would know how to read people. You would think by now that I would know how to see the truth. I don't. I don't have the first clue.

It just hit me....actually just this moment....tears in my eyes. There are some pretty amazing people around me that love me. They love me - regardless of what a mess I am. And what do I do? I push them as far as I possibly can away from me. Get away. I feel helpless. Hopeless.

I remember when I was married. I didn't miss my husband when he was gone. This worried me. How can I be in a relationship where I don't miss the other. I told him I needed space....time apart....I needed to be able to miss him. I was given the chance to miss him finally. And I did. However, it's as though I had lost my voice. The words would not come out. I could not tell him that I missed him. I could not do it. I'm not sure that I ever did let him know....