Which side up?

So I have been staring at this screen for about 30 minutes now. So many things I want to say, but I guess I have to take it one topic at a time. I'm divorced now. One of the most soul killing things I have been through. And lonely too....

I feel like I may have made things tougher too. A long time ago, I basically shut off communication from my husband, er, I guess ex-husband now. So now you have the person that has been with you through every single difficult thing in your life in the last 7 years.....not being your rock through one of the HARDEST things you may have to do in your life. It kills me. I want so bad to say....I love you and I want to give this another try. But for some reason I can't.....if I were to open my mouth and just let the words come out - they would hide. I don't understand what I am so terrified of. The one thing I can say for sure, 100%....is that I never ever ever want him out of my life. The idea of him not being in my life - is way too much to handle. I know he won't be my friend though - and I understand that...I know that would be hard but it seems harder to be without him.

On another note - I feel like I have let down some very important people in my life by not having a family at this point in my life. I'm struggling with the fact that I am starting to realize that there is a good chance I won't have children of my own. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure, most of which I am probably showering onto myself.